Conflict Isn’t the Problem—Disconnection Is

Many couples come into therapy saying, “We fight too much. If only we could stop fighting, everything would be okay.” It’s an understandable thought - that conflict is the enemy of a healthy relationship. Because conflict feels heavy, draining, and sometimes hopeless But the truth is, conflict itself isn’t the real problem. The real problem and what hurts a relationship is the disconnection that follows.

Think back to the last time you and your partner argued. Maybe it started small—something about money, housework, parenting, or schedules. On the surface, it looked like you were fighting about a topic. But underneath, something much deeper was going on. Maybe you were silently wondering, “Do I really matter to you? Do you hear me? Do you even want to be close to me?” Or maybe you felt yourself shrinking inside, thinking, “I’ll never get it right. Nothing I do is enough.”

That’s the real sting of conflict—the way it leaves you feeling unseen, unworthy, or alone. It’s not the raised voices, the sharp words, or even the silence afterward. It’s the emptiness that creeps in when you feel disconnected from the person you love most.

Here’s the surprising thing: healthy couples aren’t the ones who never argue. Every couple argues. The difference is that healthy couples know how to find their way back to each other after the argument. They know how to repair the disconnection and remind each other, “I may be upset, but I’m still here. You still matter to me.”

Conflict can actually be an opportunity—it can show us where the raw spots are, the places where we need reassurance and closeness the most. But when you don’t have the tools to move through it, conflict just builds walls instead of bridges.

This is where therapy can make all the difference. In our work together, I help couples slow down those heated moments and really hear each other—not just the words spoken in frustration, but the tender feelings underneath. You’ll learn how to share your deeper needs in a way that pulls your partner closer instead of pushing them away. And just as importantly, you’ll learn how to respond to your partner’s needs with compassion and understanding, even when it feels hard.

Because the truth is, conflict will always show up in relationships. What matters most is whether it ends in disconnection or in deeper connection.

If you and your partner are stuck in painful arguments that never seem to resolve, I want you to know you’re not broken—you’re simply longing for closeness and don’t yet have the map to get there. That’s what I’d love to give you. Together, we can turn even your hardest moments into stepping stones back toward each other, so that your relationship feels like a place of safety, warmth, and love.

You don’t have to avoid conflict. You just have to find your way back to connection. And I can help you do that.