The Most Common Negative Cycles Couples Get Stuck In (and How to Break Free)

Have you ever had the feeling that you and your partner are having the same fight over and over again? Maybe the details change—sometimes it’s about chores, sometimes it’s about the kids, sometimes it’s about money—but somehow it always seems to end in the same frustrating place. You’re left wondering, “Why can’t we get past this? What’s wrong with us?”

Here’s the truth: there’s nothing “wrong” with you. What you’re experiencing is what almost every couple goes through. It’s not the arguments themselves that do the damage—it’s the negative cycle that takes over when you try to resolve them.

For some couples, the cycle looks like one person pushing for answers or closeness while the other pulls away. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Both are hurting—one feels abandoned, the other feels attacked—but neither feels understood.

For others, the cycle looks like criticism met with defensiveness. One partner lashes out in frustration, the other defends or fires back, and suddenly it feels like you’re on opposite teams instead of the same one.

And then there are couples who don’t fight at all. On the outside, it looks calm. But underneath, both are hurting in silence, afraid to speak up, afraid to make things worse. The disconnection just grows wider.

These cycles are painful because they strike at our deepest longings: to feel loved, safe, and important to the person who matters most. When those needs go unmet, we get caught in patterns that push us even further apart. But here’s the good news—the cycle is the problem, not you and not your partner.

Once couples begin to see the pattern for what it is, everything starts to shift. You begin to realize, “Wait a minute—this isn’t me against you. This is us against the cycle.” From there, you can start to slow things down. You can begin to share what’s really underneath the frustration: the fear of being rejected, the longing to be chosen, the desire to feel close again. And when your partner hears that—really hears it—it changes everything.

This is the heart of what I do with couples in therapy. Together, we untangle the cycle so you can finally see the tender emotions underneath. I’ll guide you in sharing them in a way that draws your partner closer instead of pushing them away. And I’ll help each of you respond to the other with compassion, so that even the hardest conversations become opportunities for closeness instead of battles that leave you both wounded.

If you’ve been feeling trapped in the same arguments, please know—you’re not broken. You’re simply stuck in a cycle that has taken on a life of its own. And with the right support, you can break free. You can create new patterns of safety, trust, and connection where both of you feel truly seen and deeply loved.

You deserve that. Your relationship deserves that. And I’d love to help you get there.