We’re Not Fighting, But We’re Not Close Either — What That Distance Is Really About

Many couples find themselves saying the same thing when they begin to wonder what’s wrong in their relationship: “We don’t really fight,” “There’s no major problem,” or “On paper, things are fine.” And yet, something feels off. There’s a quiet distance that’s hard to put into words. Conversations feel practical rather than personal. You talk about schedules, responsibilities, and the day-to-day details of life, but not about what’s really going on inside. You may still care deeply about each other, yet feel oddly alone even when you’re together.

This kind of distance doesn’t usually come from a lack of love. More often, it grows out of a need for protection. At some point, reaching for your partner may have felt risky. Maybe attempts to connect were met with defensiveness, distraction, or misunderstanding. Maybe sharing feelings led to tension or conflict, or maybe life simply became overwhelming with stress, children, work, or exhaustion. Slowly, often without realizing it, both partners adapt. You share less. You rely more on yourself. You keep things calm. Your nervous system learns that it feels safer not to need too much or ask for more.

On the outside, the relationship may look stable. Inside, there can be a quiet grief — a longing for closeness, for feeling known, for the sense that you and your partner are truly in this together. Because there isn’t constant fighting, it can be easy to minimize this pain or tell yourself you shouldn’t feel this way. You might compare your relationship to others and wonder why this emptiness feels so heavy when nothing is obviously “wrong.” But emotional connection is not a luxury; it’s a basic human need. When that bond feels distant or unavailable, your body and heart feel it deeply, even if you can’t point to a single event that caused it.

Many couples try to bridge this gap by communicating more, trying harder, or focusing on fixing behaviors. But closeness isn’t created through effort alone. True connection grows when both partners feel emotionally safe enough to show up honestly, without fear of rejection, criticism, or shutdown. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, emotional distance is understood as part of a pattern that develops when both people are longing for connection but protecting themselves in different ways. One partner may reach out and feel unseen, while the other pulls back to avoid conflict or the fear of failing. Over time, both end up feeling alone, even though neither wants the distance.

The work of therapy isn’t about assigning blame or forcing vulnerability before it feels safe. It’s about slowing things down, understanding what’s happening underneath the distance, and helping you reconnect in ways that feel supportive and secure. Emotional closeness can be rebuilt — even if it’s been a long time, even if you’re not sure how to start, and even if part of you worries that things have gone too far to change.

In my work with couples, I help create a space where both partners can feel seen and understood, often for the first time in a long while. Together, we look at the patterns that shaped the distance, soften the protective walls that once served a purpose, and work toward rebuilding a relationship where connection feels safe and meaningful again. You don’t need to be in crisis to want more closeness, and you don’t have to navigate this on your own.

If this resonates with you and you’re wondering whether therapy could help, I invite you to reach out.

Shoshana Ort, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

📍 Greenwood Village, CO 🌐 www.innercalmcounseling.com 📧 shoshanaortlcsw@gmail.com 📞 720-772-7149

Sometimes the first step back toward closeness is simply having a space where both of you feel safe enough to begin.