Why We Argue About the Dishes (When It’s Really About Feeling Alone)
It starts with something small — the dishes left in the sink, the laundry that never made it to the hamper, or the shoes left by the door. A sigh, a sharp tone, a quick back-and-forth. Before you know it, what began as a simple disagreement turns into an argument that feels bigger than it should. The tension builds, the distance grows, and both of you are left feeling hurt and misunderstood.
When couples come to me and describe moments like these, I often say, “It’s rarely about the dishes.” Because the truth is, most arguments aren’t really about what’s happening on the surface. They’re about something deeper — that quiet longing to feel seen, valued, and emotionally connected. When your partner walks past the sink without noticing the pile of plates, it might feel like they’re ignoring you, not just the mess. When they respond defensively or withdraw, it can trigger that deep, painful feeling of being alone in the relationship.
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we look beyond the content of the argument to the emotional patterns underneath. Every couple has what we call a “negative cycle” — a kind of dance that takes over when we feel disconnected. One person often becomes the “pursuer,” reaching out, questioning, or pushing harder in an attempt to feel close again. The other becomes the “withdrawer,” stepping back, shutting down, or avoiding the conflict to keep things from escalating. Each person’s response makes perfect sense in the moment — they’re both protecting themselves from pain. But together, these moves create a loop that leaves both people feeling even more alone.
What makes this so painful is that beneath the anger or silence are emotions that rarely get spoken out loud. The pursuer may be thinking, “Do I matter to you? Why don’t you see how much this hurts?” while the withdrawer may be thinking, “I can’t get it right. No matter what I do, it’s never enough.” Both are hurting. Both are longing for reassurance, safety, and love. Yet neither feels safe enough in that moment to show it. So the cycle repeats.
As an EFT therapist, I help couples slow that dance down — to see it clearly, understand it, and begin to step out of it. In our sessions, we don’t focus on who’s right or wrong. We focus on the emotions underneath the conflict and the needs that aren’t being met. When couples can begin to name what’s really happening inside — the fear of being rejected, the longing to feel important, the ache of wanting to be enough — everything changes. Suddenly, the fight about the dishes becomes a doorway into deeper understanding. You begin to see your partner not as the problem, but as someone who’s also hurting, also trying, and also longing to reconnect.
That’s the beauty of EFT — it helps couples turn conflict into connection. When we slow down and get to the heart of what’s happening, couples can begin to express themselves differently. Instead of, “You never help me,” it becomes, “I feel alone when I’m doing things by myself.” Instead of, “You’re so defensive,” it becomes, “I get scared when you pull away.” Those small shifts in language open big doors. Emotional safety begins to grow, trust starts to rebuild, and moments that once ended in distance can now end in closeness.
At Inner Calm Counseling, I help couples recognize these patterns and find new ways to reach for each other — ways that feel safe, supportive, and emotionally real. Through Emotionally Focused Therapy, you can learn to express your needs without blame, listen to your partner with compassion, and create a new kind of rhythm in your relationship — one built on understanding instead of defensiveness, and connection instead of conflict.
It’s not about avoiding arguments or being perfect. It’s about learning how to come back to each other, again and again, with honesty and care. Because when you start to truly see and hear each other, even something as simple as doing the dishes can become an act of love instead of a source of pain.
Shoshana Ort, LCSW, is the founder of Inner Calm Counseling, where she helps individuals and couples heal from disconnection, understand their emotional patterns, and build stronger, more fulfilling relationships through Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Licensed in Colorado and New Jersey, Shoshana believes that the deepest healing happens when we feel safe, seen, and emotionally understood.