Why We Love the Way We Do: Understanding Attachment in Relationships
Have you ever wondered why relationships can feel so hard sometimes? Why one person seems to want more closeness while the other needs more space? Or why arguments keep circling back to the same painful place, even when you both love each other deeply?
The answer often lies in something beneath the surface: your attachment style.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of relating we develop early in life—usually from our first bonds with caregivers. They’re the unspoken “rules” we carry into adulthood about whether love feels safe and secure, or whether closeness feels unpredictable or overwhelming. These patterns show up in the way we argue, the way we repair, and even in how we show affection.
The Four Main Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment: You feel comfortable with both closeness and independence. Relationships feel safe, and conflict doesn’t shake the foundation of love.
Anxious Attachment: You crave reassurance and may fear abandonment. Even small moments of distance can feel overwhelming, leaving you longing for more connection.
Avoidant Attachment: You value independence and may keep your guard up. You care deeply but may struggle with too much closeness, which can leave partners feeling shut out.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: You want intimacy but also fear it. Relationships can feel like a push-and-pull—yearning for love while struggling to trust it.
Why This Matters in Relationships
When different attachment needs collide, couples often find themselves stuck in painful cycles. One partner reaches out desperately for reassurance, while the other pulls away to protect themselves. Both feel alone, unseen, and misunderstood—even though at the core, both want the same thing: to feel safe, loved, and connected.
The hopeful truth is this: attachment styles are not fixed destinies. They are learned patterns—and with awareness and the right support, they can be reshaped.
How EFT Can Help You Reconnect
As a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I help couples identify these hidden patterns and find new ways to reach for each other. EFT isn’t about pointing fingers or assigning blame—it’s about slowing down, uncovering the emotions beneath the surface, and creating space where both partners can feel safe to be vulnerable.
When couples experience this shift, arguments stop feeling like battles and start becoming moments of understanding. Walls come down. Trust begins to rebuild. Love feels steady again.
If you recognize yourself or your relationship in these descriptions, please know you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. These patterns are simply strategies you learned to survive, but they don’t have to define the way you love today.
Together, we can work toward creating a relationship that feels like a true safe haven—secure, connected, and deeply fulfilling.
If you’re ready to begin this journey, I’d be honored to walk alongside you.