Couples Therapy Before Separation or Divorce

Maybe one of you has said the word "divorce" out loud. Maybe you've been quietly thinking about separating for a long time. Or maybe the fighting — or the silence — has become so painful that you don't know how much longer you can keep going like this.

Wherever you are, it makes sense to feel scared, exhausted, angry, or numb. These are some of the hardest moments a couple can face.

What couples therapy can — and can't — do

I can't promise that therapy will save your marriage, and I won't pretend to. What couples therapy can offer is a structured, steady place to:

• Slow down and understand how you got here
• Talk about hard things without it turning into the same fight
• See the pattern that has been pulling you apart
• Explore honestly whether repair is possible
• Make thoughtful decisions about your next steps — rather than decisions made in the middle of pain

Some couples discover that underneath the distance there's still a lot of care, and they choose to rebuild. Others come to a clearer, calmer decision to part ways. Both are outcomes I can support.

When one partner is leaning out

It's very common for partners to be in different places. One of you may be hopeful and ready to work on things, while the other feels tired, hurt, or already halfway out the door.

That doesn't mean therapy can't help. We can make room for both experiences — the partner who wants to try, and the partner who isn't sure — without pressuring anyone toward a particular outcome.

High-conflict relationships

When conflict escalates quickly, it can feel impossible to have a calm conversation at all. In sessions, I actively help slow things down so that each of you can be heard. We focus less on who is right, and more on what is happening between you when things blow up.

If there is physical violence, threats, or fear for your safety in the relationship, couples therapy may not be the right starting place. Please reach out, and I'll help you think about safer options.

How I work with couples at this stage

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), an attachment-based approach that helps couples understand the emotional cycle beneath their conflict. Early sessions focus on understanding your history, what each of you is hoping for, and whether you both want to work toward repair.

You can learn more about how I work on my main couples therapy page, or read about Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples. If trust has been broken by an affair, affair recovery counseling may also be helpful.

What the first sessions look like

In our first session, I'll ask each of you to share how you see the relationship — what's happened, what you've tried, and what you're hoping for now. There's no pressure to commit to a long course of therapy. The first few meetings are about understanding your situation well enough to know whether couples therapy is the right next step, and what it would focus on.

From there, we usually meet weekly or every other week. Some couples at this stage only need a handful of sessions to reach clarity; others decide to do deeper repair work over several months. We'll check in regularly about whether the work feels useful to both of you.

When the goal is clarity, not repair

Not every couple comes to therapy to stay together. Some come because they want to make the decision — to rebuild or to part — with honesty and care instead of in the middle of a fight. That is a completely legitimate use of couples therapy.

If you do decide to separate, the work we do can help you communicate through that process with less damage, and if you have children, it can lay the groundwork for a healthier co-parenting relationship.

Where we meet

I see couples in person at my office in Greenwood Village (Denver Tech Center), which is convenient to Denver and the surrounding suburbs. I also offer online couples therapy for couples anywhere in Colorado or New Jersey.

Frequently asked questions